My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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