i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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