I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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