I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
