I think my fart just growled at me.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
