I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
