I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
