Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
