Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
