I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize