it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
