Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
