i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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