if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
