i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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