Don't make out with my wife yet
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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