The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
