yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's always time for handjobs
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
