I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
