Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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