So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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