Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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