my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
