I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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