Sry I called you an 8
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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