I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
