And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
