Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
