best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
