How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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