I just threw up on my dentist
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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