Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
