omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
