Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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