oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
