some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
