yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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