oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
