I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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