So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
