It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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