I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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