Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
