4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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