Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
