She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
