I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
