Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
