I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So vagazzling was a success
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
