my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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