My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
