i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
