ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
